Mixed Emotions

Today was an exhausting day, even though I didn't have to work.  This morning, I met with a new mental health provider to continue my medication management.  My eyes were opened wide.  For a minute, I felt relieved.  Then the next, my heart was aching.  I have been under going treatment for depression since possibly junior high.  I have gone through multiple medications and diagnoses, with no effect.  My journey though, really started when I moved to WA.  I sought out counseling and additional medication management.  Things were starting to open up.  I was working on the grief, loss, and forgiveness of the care accident in May of 2005.  Now in ID, my journey continues.  Thanks to some hard work and time from my doctor, he was able to guide me to a medication that finally did what it was suppose to.  Unfortunately, that medication is Lithium and comes with side effects.  My doctor calls me unique, (of course I'm unique!).  Lithium is often used for people with bipolar, which I don't have (but it works for me).  Due to a change in my insurance (long story that I wont tell), I saw a new provider today.  She stated two things: 1. I do have depression (no surprise here) and 2.  I have boarderline personality disorder (what!).  I found this insert from Mayo Clinic describing it, When you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you have difficulty controlling your emotions and are often in a state of upheaval — perhaps as a result of harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunction.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships.  I immediately asked her what causes it.  The response, trauma.  It immediately brought me back to when I was 5 and the sexual abuse.  The only way to work and deal with this disorder is counseling and therapy, there are no medications.  I was able at that point think back to WA and where I am now.  I've come a long ways since that time.  But still have a ways to go.  When i got this news, I immediately turned at anger and not acceptance.  For a long time, I always wondering why i distorted myself.  Now that I have a lighthouse lamp pointed at it, why don't I feel relief.  Working with families who are going under medical tests to determine what's happening with their child comes to mind.  How do those parents accept the diagnoses when it comes.  I think of one boy that I was treating.  He was extremely weak both upper and lower body.  I knew something was wrong.  Long story short, the boy had muscular distrophy (MD).  The life expectancy for this boy, about 20.  That mother cried on my shoulders so hard during treatment sessions.  I kept telling myself today, " I am not a diagnosis, I'm Ashley and God created me."